Stay strong

As positive as we all want to be - sometimes it helps to remember:

Train

Life is a journey - much like a train

Are you the engine?

                                                                                                           or the caboose?

Journal Entry 1/24/16

What a fruitful week!
No great leaps and bounds, but certainly many tiny steps forward.
On the work front I am again looking for a job - this is getting old!  I thought I could make this one work until retirement but I am beginning to think there is no way! Not only has the boss been classifying me as a BA - which is something I did 15 years ago, but now he has pinned me into a corner and told me that I will be traveling to Mexico and might need to stay there for a month. Yeah - not going to happen!

On personal front things are good - still staying true to my convictions - not allowing negativity to rule. Spending time with me to get to know who I am. Figuring out what I like.  I have three started books - all 50% done - am seriously thinking about finishing them just for me and my friends. There is no way I will go through the hassle of publishing again unless by some miracle a publisher finds me and offers to pay.  I just need to figure out which one to continue with

Cracked Cocoon
Ferry Tails
Bruce's Story

Stay tuned for that one!

The biggest break through this week was a 'family' meeting set up by Jared. He had things he wanted to get off his chest towards all of us. We met at a neutral location - and of course he brought his dad with him.  He had some valid points and listened to his brother and sister's responses and reactions. Dad interjected pointless sentiments.  Jared holds a great deal of anger and is finally seeking some help with this. I think that is great!  He had papers written for everyone and when he got to mine - last - their Dad said I don't need to hear this and left. Well that didn't bother me, but as far as Michelle is concerned, that is the end! He got up and left without any conclusion.


It worked out well for us (the 4 of us) as Jared started to talk to me he couldn't even speak.  I had told myself I would listen, but I could clearly see his emotions would not allow him to convey his message so I asked him if I could talk.  I told him I realized I had hurt him deeply in the past and that I was terribly sorry for any hurt I had caused. I realized that I had made decisions from an adult point of view and never considered the child's point of view. I explained many things he had never heard before.

I further explained to all thee of them that I now know that guilt is feeling bad for something that you intentionally did, and that I had never intended for their lives to go the way they had and that I feel terribly bad for it, but no longer guilty.

While their dad was still there he again blamed the entire situation on the fact that I had left him and broken up the family - mind you that was 23 years ago!  Jared, Randy and Michelle are all intelligent enough to understand that he is the one that has kept this grudge going for all these years.

I left it with Jared like this:  I love you, I will always love you and when you are ready I will be here. He asked if would be willing to see his therapist with him and I said of course.

Although there is no firm definition for the future I believe we are all on the same journey that will bring us to a similar point.

All - in - all ----- Good week! Positivity abounds!

Music to my ears

I have discovered that the headset for my phone, when plugged into my computer allows me to listen to the computer - can you say   WOW!!!

So - I now have discovered I heart radio and have music in my ears to avoid saying something stupid at work - or even hear anyone else..... hee hee hee


Have a good weekend.

Th.th.th.thursday

I am going to go on a very positive little rant here. Got to get it off my chest!

I was hired over a year ago to do a job - many ups and downs.

New boss in August -

Yesterday I was told that my direction is being changed (because I asked for that) ( I Did??? and when was that???) and I might need to go to Mexico for a month.

Let me just say for the record - - That - is - not - going - to -happen! Not now, not next month, not next year.

Can you say "Dust off that resume!"

Brotherly love

I have a brother that is 13 months older than me that I was very close to growing up. Considering I had 10 brothers I had to pick one - right?  That's beside the point.

Paul and I were really close - he helped me move into college - he came and visited me. We talked about absolutely everything! We even got married 6 weeks apart from each other. As our lives matured the distance between us was great, but we were still very close.  I got a yellow lab, he got a black lab.  His died from poisoning, my was hit by a car.....

He got divorced after 5 years, I lasted 6 - he had no kids - I had 3 ---- and therein lay the beginning of the rift.  I was a very confused 33 year old with 3 kids under 4 and all I knew was that they needed to be protected and cared for. He had no idea what that was all about.  He met and married a nurse and I did not attend their wedding - it wasn't that I didn't want to, it was just that he was getting at the exact time I was supposed to be 100 miles away picking up my children and I made a choice.  I have actually regretted that choice for many years and when we spoke about it a couple of years ago he said he hadn't even remembered and that I should just let it go.  I finally have!

Tonight I called him because I have been thinking about him a lot and he turns 57 in 2 days. As we talked and I told him that I really missed him as my brother he told me that life took us in different directions and that we had separate lives now. I agreed and said but that is no reason why we can't at least communicate more often.

I left the phone call with a calmed feeling - as if there were so many things I had wanted to discuss with him for so long that I finally did.

Right choice!

BE Present

I have a new chant whenever I get overwhelmed or stressed.

ENJOY NOW - Don't thin about the Next

Journal Entry 1/17/16

This week did not go exactly as planned. I kneew that I had been summoned for jury duty for Monday and already knew that my group was not called. I went work and had a really good day - stayed positive- became the duck - let the water roll off my back.

Tuesday - no jury duty - went to work - had to sit through meetings that were absolutely pointless - never lost my perspective.

Wednesday had to report to court for Jury Service. I really didn't mind - I looked at it as a day off in the middle of the week. I loved people watching - it was great! The thing about jury service is that it is much more waiting than anything else. I have been called for service several times however have only made it into a jury panel selection once. It would have been great fun.
This time was no exception - by 3:00 we were dismissed and thanked for our service - even though we did nothing all day.
The funny thing is watching all the people who grow impatient and are trying to figure out any way possible to get out of there. My feeling - what's the point - you're there - might as well relax.

Unfortunately I ended up getting some sort of stomach bug that hit that afternoon while I was still in the courthouse. I got home and headed straight for the bedroom - was up all night and didn't go to work on Thursday. Never really got out of bed (couldn't risk the distance from a bathroom). Got a fever and spent Thursday night in a pool of sweat and chills.

Didn't go to work Friday - just laid around.

Saturday - finally feeling better (maybe I lost some weight???)

Through it all I did not lose my perspective. Only down side is that I didn't get to see my counselor - but that's okay - I am still doing the hard work!

More positive accolades for me!  Very proud of myself. Stuck to my resolutions, my decisions and my perspectives!

A lesson in Civics?

SO
As most of you know I live in Southern California and I have ALWAYS lived in California. Not knowing how other states work, I will explain the jury system in California.

It is your 'civic' duty to be summoned to report for jury duty once a year. I have been summoned multiple times - but this is the first time I heard what I heard today.

We all gather in a 'jury appointed waiting area' - sort of like a huge conference room. You have to check in and then they explain the happenings of the day.  I walked into the room and there was a board in the front that said:

Cases on docket today: 138

Cases requesting juries: 138

So I figured - no way I'm getting out of here without being called upon.
The jury people start talking and they let us know that althouogh there are that many cases, the very fact that jurors are assembled prompts most cases to be settled - today.  In fact, this particular court rarely sees more than 5% of the cases requiring a jury.

So we sat - had to report at 8:00
Got a break at 10:00 - no one had been called
Got dismissed for lunch at 11:30 - no one had been called.
Back at 1:00 and now the board looks like this:

Cases on docket today: 138

Cases requesting juries: 69

OK - I figured the afternoon should be fun.

2:00 we are asked to all assemble in the big room -
Cases on docket today: 138
Cases requesting juries: 11

one case has requested a jury ASAP.
Clerk calls out at least 60 names and they leave the room
the remainder of us (had to still be over 150 people there) were told to remain there until they heard further notice.

3:00 Clerk walks in and changes the bottom number to 0
She then thanks us for our service as it was because of us that all the other cases were settled.

OK - is it me or has something gone wrong here?
You are telling me that 138 cases got all the way to have a starting trial date and THEN they got settled?

Journal entry 1/10/16

Completing the first full week of 2016 I would definitely say that I am on the right path. I won't pretend to say that I haven't tripped a time or two, but the challenges are getting less difficult and the behavioral changes I wanted to make are taking from.

Work became much easier when I change my attitude and make it be a "let it Go" or don't become the salmon and try to go upstream. Just go with the flow.
I have caught myself being negative and in most pats have been able to turn it around. But just the very fact that I caught myself is a major kudos to me!

I have definitely done more things for myself and am trying to sever the ball of yarn that is wrapped around my children's lives.  I don't think I'm doing them any good by not pushing them out of the nest.  Michelle made the comment this week that she doesn't want to accept a job for minimum wage because it is not enough money.  OK - reality check here - since when is ANY amount of money worse than NONE?

Still no wod from jared although i did send him a text message this week telling him I respected his wishes and that I love him no matter what.   I think the solution to this one is really just let the time pass.

I am ending my week on a great note with a massage this morning and cuddle time. I have to go to bed early so I can get up at 3 to be at work by 4AM -

Congratulations Brenda!! You are doing great

Saturday Spoil Myself

So in line with the 'me' year - I am going to spend my first Saturday hanging out around the house. I have to take Ms. Trixy to the groomer - she loves her bath time!

Then when she gets home we'll probably snuggle up and catch up on some tv watching.

Anyone got a GREAT book they can recommend?

Happy weekend to all my blogger friends.

P.S. Sunday I am treating myself to a massage !!!
I'm beginning to really like this new attitude

Who Am I

So part of my 'me' year includes resuming counseling.

I met a brand new worman and I instantly clicked with her. Before I knew it an hour had passed and she had all my history pin pointed.

She asked me a few questions I just have to mull over.

Have  I processed my divorce (it has been 23 years)

Do I understand my emotions

Who am I?

It is very difficult to believe that at the mid point of my life I cannot really answer those questions - but the exciting part will be the journey to find out.

She also made some keen observations:
1.  The system failed me
2.  My voice has been squashed
3.  My guilt has to be let go of.
4.  I have multiple personas.

5th and Final 2016 Resoultion

Stress - Bye Buh

Resolution #4

I used to have a saing when my kids were little.
There are big deals and little deals.
The big deals are life altering and the little deals don't mean anything.

Act

Resolution #3: Do more!

I have always been a thinker, a planner, a procrastinator, an excuse maker - - - 

No More! I will no longer talk about it - - 

Actions speak much louder than words or thoughts!

Be Positive

Resolution #2 - Be Positive -

No matter who or what around me tries to bring me down, I will ignore it!

2016 First Resolution

Do something special for yourself every day!!!

I am treating myself to a massage!

Good-Bye 2015 - Won't be sorry to see you go

2015 started out with such great anticipation.

I had started a brand new job that would become official at the beginning of February and I was quite excited. It was with a great company and I had a wonderful boss. It was exactly what I had been looking for after a year of switching jobs (3 times!)

I had purchased a brand new home that was supposed to be completed at the end of March and I was excited to stop renting – even though it had only been a year since I had sold my old house and had been in a rental. I had not realized how different it was to live in someone else’s home and not be able to fix things as needed. I never really felt that the house was ever clean.

My daughter (Michelle) and her husband (Tonino) had just come back from being deployed in Germany for four years.

My son (Randy) and daughter-in-law (MaeRose) were expecting their second child.

My oldest son (Jared) and his wife (Carrington) were happy with their two little girls and his business (A produce store) was thriving. Both Randy and Michelle were working with Jared and life couldn’t be better. 

How utterly foolish of me to think that all things were finally going to get better and my little family was going to be happy.

February  I did start my new job all was great - good start!

March 31 turned into April 3 and I moved into my brand new house - second good thing - Oh wait - not so great. I moved into a house that had no gas meter - which meant no hot water, no cooking, no heat --- let me tell you how much you rely on that stuff! Well, I can't but let's just say that life was quite interesting for 4 days. Luckily I was still at home and had not returned to work so I figured out how to make it work. The gas was turned on and the next day I had to return to work. That would be the first day that Trixy - you know - my beagle and compratiate in all things - would be alone. But I felt fairly confident that she would do good. She had adjusted to the house and the yard.

Lesson #1 for 2015 NEVER take for granted what you have 

I came home from work and there was NO dog! I ran up and down all the streets calling her name and she was nowhere! When I ran into the sales office (I was living in a new community that was still under construction and for sale and Dan (the Sales guy) told me he already knew she was out - they had seen her running down the street about 3 hours earlier. Apparently one of the contractors let had let her out and no one could catch her. How I ended up with the most skittish dog on the face of the earth and the one that could not stand man is beyond me. I immediately called my children. Randy and Michelle came over immediately and Jared could not imagine why I was so upset - after all - she's just a dog. We made flyers and scanned the neighborhood for two days. (She had gone missing on Friday at noon.) I let a good friend know and she put Trixy in her prayer chain. Something must have worked because on Monday at 5:00 I received a call from someone who said they had just seen her - she had crossed a major street, a freeway overpass and another major street. I started heading that direction and another call came in from a lady who said Trixy had been waiting for her at her front and she was safe in her apartment. Let's just say that words could not describe my exhalation.

Lesson #2 for 2015 - Count your blessings while you can

June 4, 2015 Jake Logan was born. I had the great fortune of watching Ryan (my eldest grandson who was only 2 - almost 3) for three days.

June 7, 2015 Jared and Carrington announced that they were pregnant for the third time and were due at the end of December. It was another little girl who would be joining big sisters Annabelle (2) and Aurora (1).

June 20, 2015 Randy determined that he could no longer work with his brother and would it be okay if he quit, found a new job, and moved his family into my brand new home. I figured why not - it is a 3 bedroom house and there was plenty of space.

July 15, 2015 Randy, MaeRose, Ryan and Jake move into my house.

Lesson #3 for 2015 Motherhood NEVER ends

Labor Day morning - 9AM - I receive a call from my Michelle. Through the tears all I can make out is: "He's gone." I told her I would be there as soon as I could and I think I broke every land record in history and made it 45 miles in 30 minutes! As I had been driving I informed both Jared and Randy that they needed to get over to her house ASAP and then I found her father and told him the same thing. I walked into her apartment and Jared was already there. I hugged her and let her tell me the story - which ended up coming out in bits and pieces over the next several weeks. Tonino was not happy. He did not know what it was but he hadn't been for a very long time. He didn't think it was her but he couldn't be certain. He just didn't want to be there anymore. She told him to go and not come back until he was sure. She never expected him to leave, but leave he did. Over the next several weeks it was apparent that he wanted to still be in contact with her, but he had no intention of going back to school or finding a job and that he had PTSD and would not admit it. Working for her Jared Michelle thought he would understand the situation - but he didn't. He had a business to run and after two weeks of her not showing up and not being there for her shifts he told her it was unacceptable and she quit! With no income and no idea where her future was going we decided that it was best for her to move closer to me. We went apartment hunting, but she would not make a decision without him. Cut to the end - She moved into a brand new apartment on October 22 and he decided to come home. Mind you - he had not resolved all his issues, but she felt that they should be together while they worked on them and he agreed. SO now I am responsible for the rent on an apartment, neither one of them have a job, and the mortgage on my home and food for 5!

November 23, 2015 Michelle starts a new job I found her where I work. (Did I mention I have a 45 minute commute each way?). She hated it from the beginning and ended up making herself physically ill. She went to work for the first three weeks and then started calling in sick.

Finally on December 20 she quit - so now we are back to her neither one of them having a job - although she is diligent in her search. He still has no intention of going back to school or getting a job.

In the meantime, Jared is very upset as Michelle left work without notice and left him in a bind. Furthermore he blames me for making it so that Michelle didn't get punished for her actions and that he is the only one that is suffering. He no longer wants to have anything to do with the family - so stop inviting him and oh by the way - I don't want you to call or text me anymore. I don't want to have anything to do with you.

Lesson #4 for 2015 Pain has no boundaries

On December 26, 2015 Abigail Snow was born and I received a group text announcing her arrival. I have not heard form, nor do I expect to, her father. The biggest pain at this moment is the fact that he can be mad at me all he wants, but he has taken me out of my granddaughter's lives.

So the truth really is that I guess I am prepared for whatever life throws at me in 2016.