As long as I am treating this as my journal it is time to put things down in writing. If I offend....not sorry - this is all about me.
I have done some horrible things in my life of which I am not proud - but more than that of which I do not understand.
To figure this out I must go back to the beginning as I know it.
I was brought into this world as the fourth child of a doctor and a ? controlling mother. I was their only daughter but come to find out later that he had cheated while she was pregnant. No fault to either of them they were married in the generation of marrying while virgins (1953) - I am not clear if they were even in love as my brother reminds me of numerous occasions where I would hide in the closet during their fights.
After my Father cheated for the last time and ended up marrying the Mistress he had impregnated my mother was told by her father to remarry as quickly as possible as she had 4 kids to take care of. I am not sure if she ever loved my step father - who is a wonderful but impotent man! she made it clear to him in the beginning that he was not to discipline us, nor was he allowed to smoke or drink and by the way she hated sex!
why he stayed ===== no clue!
I lived my life to make sure she was pleased with me - there was no disagreeing with her, there were no emotions involved, and certainly there was no validity to my thoughts or opinions.
Is there any doubt why I would then choose to marry a controlling, manipulative man who I thougt was divergent? Turns out they were two peas in a pod! both wanted to make sure i saw things their way.
The only thing that I can do from this point forward is be as good of a person as I possibly can be and let the past be my guide.
You point out a very common truth here, we tend to marry people who exhibit some of the same traits we were raised with, and people who will treat us and respect/disrespect us much the same as we have experienced from our parents. I truly thought in my first marriages that I was choosing the opposite of my parents, and in some ways I was, but in other ways I chose people who treated me the same way, controlling, not understanding, always displeased with me. It wasn't until after my third marriage that I decided what I really wanted/needed in a nurturing relationship, and then met John. Your growing up experiences without a doubt influenced the choices you would make as an adult. I have done things I am definitely not proud of too, things that make me wonder at myself and why I would even be that way. But the past is THE PAST, we can learn from our mistakes, we can choose to do differently, we can become the kind caring people we were intended by our Creator to be... and I know that you are already this, I see it in our relationship. Now you just have to come to believe it yourself! Sometimes that's the hardest part. :-)We also have to be careful to learn that being good doesn't mean letting people take advantage of us, there are always those who will try!
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I remember this speaker once used the analogy that we all travel through life equipped with our Tool Box. When we encounter trials, troubles, stress, confrontations... whatever; we reach into the toolbox to find a tool to deal with out current situation. The tools in your toolbox come from various sources: your grandparents, your parents, siblings, friends, maybe even strangers -- and certainly yourself. The key to any problem of course, is choosing the right tool for the problem. If your parents/friends, etc. passed on good tools, then you are often able to easily find the solution and carry on without much harm done. But, if your toolbox is full of inherited tools that are bad... heavy ones, then life of course will be much harder. And more harm done often. The good news is, it's YOUR tool box! Which means you can throw away those useless and harmful tools, and replace them with good working ones. You are not stuck with the ones that have proven unworthy! I thought that was a great analogy because it clearly demonstrates why/how we do make choices based on what we learned (which is not our fault), but it also hands the power of choice back to us too. Which I think is how we grow strong: knowing what tools to use, and what to discard.
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