Sunday, February 28, 2016

Journal Entry 2/28/16

It is really hard to believe that two full months have passed since I decided to start up again. I set forth specific resolutions and for the most part have stayed true to them. Sure there have been slips here and there, but I end up catching myself and getting back on the correct path.

2016 has been more challenging than I would have liked, but I am trying to be like one of those waves in the ocean and just roll with it.

Positive things that have/are happening:

I am really enjoying blogging again - not really caring if it makes sense to anyone other than myself. I realize I have lost a lot of followers, but the most important ones are still here!

I am making a concerted effort to cultivate my friendships - not letting time go by without communicating. I have VERY few Close Friends and I really want those relationships to be special. In that way 2016 has been off to a great start! (Who knows.... I might actually get to Texas!)

I have been spoiling myself more and worrying about money less.
I'm doing things that makes sense to me even if they don't make sense to those who are STILL residing in my home!

I have never been religious, but I have always loved the idea of lent.

I am giving up:  Self Doubt, Pettiness and grocery shopping!

Have a great week!

Monday, February 22, 2016

Sunday, February 21, 2016

Journal Entry 2/21/2016

As hard as I try to keep on this path of optimism, positivity, good will towards man, etc  - I keep falling into the pothole on the road.  Eventurally I am going to figure out how to either avoid them or just get right back out - but for this week it was not the case.

It was my birthday week and I had just high hopes!
I had plans to meet Jared at 4AM for coffee before we both went to work on Wednesday, Thursday was my birthday and Friday was going to be an easy day ---

Left the house at 3:30 Wed - met Jared - had a great conversation - ate at McDonalds - won't be doing that again any time soon!
Had to be at work for a 7AM semi annual performance review.  Got to work on time, sat in my bosses office and that is when everything went sideways.
Turns out that I am difficult to work with and that there have been 3 formal complaints against me - 2 from people I have never met and 1 from the guy I work with everyday who has sought me out for help, thanked me for all of my work with him and is the key person I need to work with.   I was stunned! How does a person say one thing to your face and then turn around and tell your boss the exact opposite? How am I supposed to feel? or act?
Of course I started to cry - that wasn't embarrassing or anything !!!!
My boss assured me he was on my side and we would work through this together. He knows I want to work, he knows I know what I'm doing and he knows I am capable
So let's just say the rest of the day went by quite slowly and I wasn't in the best of moods - until I got home
First - I walked into a decorated kitchen with a dozen roses from my son and daughter-in-law and grandsons.

And thhen I opened a present from my very dear friend Wendy!
Can you say perfect timing????

that made everything better

Next morning I went into work and no one knew it was my birthday even though it is on the birthday calendar!  A friend of mine from a different department found out and her whole department came over and sang to me and gave me a cherry pie!  My department was a bit embarrased to say the least!

I decided to call in sick on Friday - I needed the day - and when I did my boss told me to fill out paperwork for a sick day and not work - so I did and I didn't!

today I am in the frame of mind that I will go to work - do my job, keep my opinions (personal) to myself and be as upbeat as possible.   This is the one time in life I wish I had won the lottery and didn't need the money!

Here's hoping next week is better -


Friday, February 19, 2016

Don't want to be another

Another second
Another minute
Another hour
Another day
Another week
Another month
Another year
Another life

Monday, February 15, 2016

Journal Entry 2/14/16

As long as I am treating this as my journal it is time to put things down in writing. If I offend....not sorry - this is all about me.

I have done some horrible things in my life of which I am not proud - but more than that of which I do not understand.
To figure this out I must go back to the beginning as I know it.

I was brought into this world as the fourth child of a doctor and a ? controlling mother. I was their only daughter but come to find out later that he had cheated while she was pregnant. No fault to either of them they were married in the generation of marrying while virgins (1953) - I am not clear  if they were even in love as my brother reminds me of numerous occasions where I would hide in the closet during their fights.

After my Father cheated for the last time and ended up marrying the Mistress he had impregnated my mother was told by her father to remarry as quickly as possible as she had 4 kids to take care of. I am not sure if she ever loved my step father - who is a wonderful but impotent man! she made it clear to him in the beginning that he was not to discipline us, nor was he allowed to smoke or drink and by the way she hated sex!
why he stayed ===== no clue!

I lived my life to make sure she was pleased with me - there was no disagreeing with her, there were no emotions involved, and certainly there was no validity to my thoughts or opinions.

Is there any doubt why I would then choose to marry a controlling, manipulative man who I thougt was  divergent? Turns out they were two peas in a pod! both wanted to make sure i saw things their way.

The only thing that I can do from this point forward is be as good of a person as I possibly can be and let the past be my guide.

Saturday, February 13, 2016

???

when my daughter approaches me and asks what really happened when she was born how do I tell her?

How does one own up to the fact that they put their own childrern at risk as a mechanism of self survival?

How does one not think of themself as a horrible person?







No comments required

Monday, February 8, 2016

Sunday, February 7, 2016

7 Days with 7 Words - Day 7

Seven words per day---- not so hard!!!




Journal Entry 2/7/16

I had a great time writing my 7 days with 7 words - who knows I might make that a 'thing'

I once again have to remind myself how absolutlely blessed I am and stop wallowing in the pity and sorrow. To say the least work has been less than ideal for a while and looking for a new job is always difficult. So now I have changed my mindset to being present at work for whatever is asked of me, be pleasant, don't offer opinions and leave home at home when I walk in the door.

I was actually in a meeting with my boss - 1 on 1 and he was talking about the same old thing. When I got up to leave I asked him if there was anything else and he said to me, "Don't be so nervous" to which I replied "I'm not nervous." Which in fact is true - what have I got to be nervous about?

Then he said, "Don't be so stressed."
I looked him straight in the face and said, "I'm not stressed." Got up and left his office.

Have you ever had someone who tells you that they want to hear your opinions, but in fact have no desire to really hear what you have to say?  I have an mid year review this week where I am supposed to tell him if I'm happy, what I want to do with the company, where i want to go and is there anything he can do for me.  What would be the point in telling the truth:

NO I'm not happy.
I was hired to do something and you have completely changed my role and function - this is NOT something I would have applied to for a job
I don't see any future for myself with this company - it is too political and the "Leadership" doesn't care about anything we have to say
Yes - you can let me do what I was hired to do!

I think I'll keep all of that to myself and just tell him I'm happy with whatever challenges he throws my way.

So on that note - I'm going to relax!

Saturday, February 6, 2016

7 Days with 7 Words - Day 6

Don't ever forget - - - It's a dogs life!!




Thursday, February 4, 2016

7 Days with 7 Words - Day 4

Don't fly with turkeys - - soar with eagles







Wednesday, February 3, 2016

7 Days with 7 Words - Day 3

Be true to you - Noone else will


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Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Monday, February 1, 2016

7 Days with 7 Words - Day 1

BE POSITIVE - Negativity is a time killer



Join along if you would like:

Journal Entry 1/31/16

What a week!
Very long
Took a few steps backward - but no fear - have not given up on myself and the new me.