As long as I am treating this as my journal it is time to put things down in writing. If I offend....not sorry - this is all about me.
I have done some horrible things in my life of which I am not proud - but more than that of which I do not understand.
To figure this out I must go back to the beginning as I know it.
I was brought into this world as the fourth child of a doctor and a ? controlling mother. I was their only daughter but come to find out later that he had cheated while she was pregnant. No fault to either of them they were married in the generation of marrying while virgins (1953) - I am not clear if they were even in love as my brother reminds me of numerous occasions where I would hide in the closet during their fights.
After my Father cheated for the last time and ended up marrying the Mistress he had impregnated my mother was told by her father to remarry as quickly as possible as she had 4 kids to take care of. I am not sure if she ever loved my step father - who is a wonderful but impotent man! she made it clear to him in the beginning that he was not to discipline us, nor was he allowed to smoke or drink and by the way she hated sex!
why he stayed ===== no clue!
I lived my life to make sure she was pleased with me - there was no disagreeing with her, there were no emotions involved, and certainly there was no validity to my thoughts or opinions.
Is there any doubt why I would then choose to marry a controlling, manipulative man who I thougt was divergent? Turns out they were two peas in a pod! both wanted to make sure i saw things their way.
The only thing that I can do from this point forward is be as good of a person as I possibly can be and let the past be my guide.