Sunday, January 24, 2016

Journal Entry 1/24/16

What a fruitful week!
No great leaps and bounds, but certainly many tiny steps forward.
On the work front I am again looking for a job - this is getting old!  I thought I could make this one work until retirement but I am beginning to think there is no way! Not only has the boss been classifying me as a BA - which is something I did 15 years ago, but now he has pinned me into a corner and told me that I will be traveling to Mexico and might need to stay there for a month. Yeah - not going to happen!

On personal front things are good - still staying true to my convictions - not allowing negativity to rule. Spending time with me to get to know who I am. Figuring out what I like.  I have three started books - all 50% done - am seriously thinking about finishing them just for me and my friends. There is no way I will go through the hassle of publishing again unless by some miracle a publisher finds me and offers to pay.  I just need to figure out which one to continue with

Cracked Cocoon
Ferry Tails
Bruce's Story

Stay tuned for that one!

The biggest break through this week was a 'family' meeting set up by Jared. He had things he wanted to get off his chest towards all of us. We met at a neutral location - and of course he brought his dad with him.  He had some valid points and listened to his brother and sister's responses and reactions. Dad interjected pointless sentiments.  Jared holds a great deal of anger and is finally seeking some help with this. I think that is great!  He had papers written for everyone and when he got to mine - last - their Dad said I don't need to hear this and left. Well that didn't bother me, but as far as Michelle is concerned, that is the end! He got up and left without any conclusion.

It worked out well for us (the 4 of us) as Jared started to talk to me he couldn't even speak.  I had told myself I would listen, but I could clearly see his emotions would not allow him to convey his message so I asked him if I could talk.  I told him I realized I had hurt him deeply in the past and that I was terribly sorry for any hurt I had caused. I realized that I had made decisions from an adult point of view and never considered the child's point of view. I explained many things he had never heard before.

I further explained to all thee of them that I now know that guilt is feeling bad for something that you intentionally did, and that I had never intended for their lives to go the way they had and that I feel terribly bad for it, but no longer guilty.

While their dad was still there he again blamed the entire situation on the fact that I had left him and broken up the family - mind you that was 23 years ago!  Jared, Randy and Michelle are all intelligent enough to understand that he is the one that has kept this grudge going for all these years.

I left it with Jared like this:  I love you, I will always love you and when you are ready I will be here. He asked if would be willing to see his therapist with him and I said of course.

Although there is no firm definition for the future I believe we are all on the same journey that will bring us to a similar point.

All - in - all ----- Good week! Positivity abounds!


  1. This is so wonderful. So much is coming out, and it sounds like it is all from the heart -- which I bet is so much more positive than just Emotion or Guilt speaking. So happy that you are all making progress in this way!

    1. Thanks - I guess we really don't know how we screw up our children until they grow up and tell us!

  2. Progress is a good thing, along with perseverance and faith.

  3. Wow, a truly amazing week on the family front. Meetings like that are never easy but can be so productive and it certainly sounds like yours was! I love the way you left things with Jared. He will come around eventually. At some point most adult children see the parents picture more clearly, both their strengths and their weaknesses and learn not to blame or carry grudges. The reality is that we did the very best we could with what we knew and had available to us at that time. 23 years is a very long time to carry a grudge, sounds like the ex really needs to come to terms with it and move on!

    I am sorry about your job situation, I know how disheartening it can be to once again be back on the search for the right spot, but you have awesome skills and experience, and I have no doubt you will find just the right place, and maybe with less long distance commuting (and most certainly not with extended time in Mexico)! I'll be praying for that. It is totally your present company's loss.

    What I love most of all about this report is your positive attitude and your new approach to life - finding out who you are, what you want, and taking steps in that direction. Way to go, my friend, I am cheering for you all the way! :-)

  4. Forgot to say that I can so relate to the guilt of decisions made in the past for our children, which were correct from an adult standpoint but still hurtful for them. Since there is no "redo" in life, guilt serves no purpose, it sounds like you had some great dialog and that can be very healing for all concerned. Yay!!


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